Unstructured

A friend recently forwarded an article (blog post) over to me that deals with the productivity transition from a 40-hour-a-week job to freelance (which in my case is unemployment). The author focuses on how having rituals and structure can lead to more creativity, but what I got out of the piece was the importance of structure in productivity and efficiency.

It's an issue that I've dealt with in the past and that I see happening both to myself and people around me. When you have an entire day to get a few things done, it's a lot easier to procrastinate or bum around the house, put it off and think, "I have time, I can do it later." I've noticed this tendency with myself on weekends where I have no plans or weeks where there's nothing going on. It feels a lot easier on Monday night to say, "oh, forgot to run to the store, that's okay, I can go after dinner," then change your mind after dinner and put it off til Tuesday when you also have free time. Compare that to the Monday night where you know that you are busy after dinner and have an urgent obligation on Tuesday. You'll be much more likely to remember to run to the store with that little bit of free time you have.

This is a huge issue to me during this period of unemployment--I always have a list of things that I need to do, but I kept putting things off and putting them off because hey, it's not like I'm in a hurry. I have no job pending, I can totally sit around and watch three hours of What Not To Wear while my room's a disaster, I haven't made any necessary phone calls, and my resume sits there unfinished. I let emails pile up, I forget to respond to voicemails...it all just gets really bad when I have too much time on my hands.

I know for a fact that i'm more productive when my days are structured. Since I don't have work or events or anything to structure it for me, it's time to start listening to my alarm and creating rituals and habits. (btw I sat down and cleaned my room and put things in the proper place and set up my pc. I feel so productive! hope I can keep it up!)

Quitting

I've been doing a countdown to my last day at work. I'm feeling particularly unproductive at home (with regards to packing and getting ready to leave) but work has been busier than ever. Four days left now, and I'm counting down the hours. It'll be sad to leave the people I've spent tons of time with for the past three years, but what's really strange is how quickly everyone will forget me....and I will likely forget them.

Of course there are good friends that I'll still write and see when I visit LA, but the majority of the salespeople and account managers that I greet on a regular basis now, I'll see only on my LinkedIn page after the 8th. It's unusual.

I can see why people who are fired after decades with a company can be truly devastated by the change, even if it was semi-welcome.

It's been such a strange experience, spending so much time at a company and then leaving abruptly with no interest in continuing to work within the industry. It's just....odd.

Fear

My aunt gave me the book The Gift of Fear by Gavin De Becker, and so far it's fascinating. I was a little worried in the beginning that the book would attempt to justify irrational fear on the basis that fear is a good survival instinct. However, it's much more nuanced than that, and includes a lot of scary stories about people being victimized and how the victim was able to read their intuition after the fact--the author laments that if only people could learn to trust their intuition in the moment rather than attempting to rationalize away sudden fears or concerns, they may be more likely to come to correct predictions about a person or a behavior that unnerves them.

There's a lot about understanding your body and your actions in context of things: my favorite example was one of a man who avoided getting into bed with his wife while she was still awake. He asked his wife if he was unconsciously avoiding sex with her. His therapist responded, "What is unconscious about that?" Looking at the man's actions in the context of the situation, it was clear what he was doing, but it was much harder for him to recognize it.

I've always been of the opinion that logic and rationality are far superior than emotion and gut feelings. This book is starting to make me wonder, and I'm thinking back to all those times I spent around people who made me feel slightly uncomfortable, and I'm suddenly able to understand why I acted in ways I did, due to feeling threatened or fearful or just plain uncomfortable.

I don't know why I never trusted my gut. It's sad really. I had lunch a couple weeks back with a good friend and she listened quietly to my rationalizations and arguments about whether or not I should leave everything behind and go to North Carolina on a whim, then informed me that sometimes it really is best to follow your gut. Looking back, I see that I was speaking from a place of pain, where a lot of things in my life were changing and I'd just realized how unhappy I and how much I felt that I needed a blank slate and a new start. I have no question that my gut feeling was right and that I eventually made the right decision to leave. But it's scary how much I haven't listened to my gut in the past several years. Terrifying, really. It's like going through the world attempting to be a computer, weighing pros and cons of everything and making the decision that is expected, the decision that is logical, not the decision that will make me happy.

Making an emotional decision is often considered wrong. Only logic should prevail. But why is that?

I don't really know. I'll probably be exploring that for the next few days.

Being Alone

For the past few days I've been mulling over the wisdom of Louis CK on Conan O'Brien's show last week. To sum up this point, he believes that smartphones help people to never be alone, and thus suppress extreme emotions like sadness and happiness. It's an interesting take on the problem that most of us acknowledge, that of the attention that the smartphone demands. I can't count how many times I've been in a waiting room, a cafeteria, or just people-watching and see people in social situations with their face buried in their phones. Now, it's unfair to say that they just can't be bored for a moment as you can never tell exactly what they're doing. I often write on my phone's notepad, some people play games, some read books, and others text sixty people in the hopes that one will respond and give them someone to talk to.

I felt punched in the gut when Louis CK explained the feeling that he gets sometimes of feeling utterly alone and the immediate reaction of grabbing the phone to text, tweet, or facebook your feelings to the world. It really is a fear of being alone, a fear of being no one's judgments or expectations or relation, it's being that person that you are when you are completely alone.

Not an hour after starting to ponder these rather existential questions, I went to lunch and sat in my car afterwards, staring at the trees. I felt a pang of sadness, of loneliness, and I had a thought about the weather or something that I want to do next month. Immediately I reached for my phone....and stopped.

I don't find it that hard to be away from my phone. I often lose it in my room or forget it in my purse and while there's sometimes a moment of panic if I want the security that it offers or I realize I didn't have it when I thought I did, but I rarely go back for it. But I know the exact feeling of being cut-off from everyone, from feeling utterly alone.

I used to get that feeling when I would sign-off of instant messenger when I was in high school. It would be evening and I'd be chatting with someone (sometimes of little consequence, it was just a fun distraction), then have to log off in order to go finish homework or go to bed, and the second that I clicked the button to log off, even if I was going to continue to sit on the computer working on something, I would get this intense feeling of loneliness. I was alone in the room with a piece of machinery, unwillingly and uncomfortably alone with just me, a person that I often hated.

Since then, I've lost that feeling and now I revel in the time that I spend on my own and away from technology. Logging off means I get to be alone, not have to be alone.

I think Louis CK hit things on the head--it's fear, fear of being alone, fear of being just a person, no more and no less.

Weekend Countdown: 3

Got to see a couple friends in Pasadena on Saturday night and may have hit my social stimulation quota for the weekend. I couldn't wait to spend all of Sunday holed up in my room packing things and watching TV. I even found some leftover yarn and started knitting a scarf. I forgot how much it hurts my left hand! Totally worth it though. I just wish I could wear wool.

Last week I spoke with a woman with a university counseling program (they offer cheap counseling sessions) and she informed me that due to the fact that I'm leaving relatively soon, they won't be able to fit me in for even a couple sessions. I figured it was no problem, and I'll just try to see someone when I get back to NC.

Today definitely threw me though. Maybe it's the first weekend-day I haven't had plans, and it really hit me how much my life is changing. I used to have plans every weekend--not always specific ones, but at least I knew who I would be around and had a general sense of what I'd spend my days doing. But now I feel like I'm back to what I used to do two years ago; that is, waste time and hide in my room all day. There's nothing really wrong with that, but it's not the life that I want to go back to. I like feeling productive, and I like knowing that I did something with my weekend (especially when work is busy). I did do some packing and managed to clear a few more items out of my room, which was good, but not nearly up to par with what I expect of myself on a lazy Sunday.

It's like I'm realizing what kind of person I am when I'm alone, how I work, and how I don't live up to my own expectations. It's a little disconcerting, but I have to remind myself that if I don't get a handle on things now, I could end up in my late twenties in a dead-end job just praying for the weekends when I can do whatever I want but usually end up doing nothing. I mean, that's kind of what I've spent my early twenties doing...

In more exciting news, I successfully removed my oversized chair from my room with minimal damage to the door frame and walls. Did end up busting a chair leg when I set it down in the living room, but I already knew it was broken and did my best to align it with the dowel, hammer it back in, and tighten the screws. That things going to suck to get rid of. Ugh.

I also macguyvered a bottle of Shout out from behind the washing machine using a piece of cardboard and an auxiliary cable. I feel so proud.

Moving Update #1

So apparently saving a draft doesn't quite work the day I thought it did. Ah well, I did post something last night, but I wrote it a few days ago.

I've been wanting to draft something about being alone, but I'm still working out something good, so perhaps tomorrow.

Today will just be an update about my packing. Fascinating, I know.

As I have mentioned before, I'll be moving across the country (back to NC) mid-October, and I've already begun packing most of my things now so as not to find myself freaking out during my last few days here. I have multiple times made the mistake of packing and disposing of items hours before a flight leaves and it always turns into an incredibly stressful day. I intend for my last few nights in LA to be relaxing and happy, since I'll be leaving so much behind.

I spent last night watching Mulan and wrapping up my paintings. They're really going to take up much less room than I'd anticipated, which is great news. I just hope that the glass doesn't break on any of the pieces. My brother helped wrap up the pottery and sculptures that I own, and I packed everything away in boxes and placed it all in a pile in the living room so I can get a sense of whether or not it's all going to fit in my car. I will not be getting a trailer, so a lot will have to be sold. Downsizing will be nice. I have a few nice things that remind me of my family and I'll be keeping those items, but I don't want to be a slave to my possessions.

This morning I walked out to the soccer field to see my cousin's soccer game (which I should know doesn't last that long, I mean, the kids are 7 and 8). The 8-year old clung to my leg and wailed about how she doesn't want me to go. I feel so guilty moving so far away from my aunt and her two kids, but I feel it's a necessary step. I've already planned how I'll keep in touch with them, but we'll see how it goes. After all, I missed my aunt a lot when I was a kid and she visited yearly--it still didn't feel like enough.

Weather's still trying to change here. I hope I didn't make a mistake packing all of my long-sleeved clothes already. It doesn't get that cold in October out here, right? I can't remember anymore.

Half-Assing It

This post has been saved until such a time as I am physically unable to write a post in a given evening.

Damn, used it the evening I wanted to get to bed before 1am. Ah well.
--

I've been noticing lately that when I write this blog post as the last thing I do in a day, I tend to write as little as I possibly can. Part of it is due to an inability to think of a good topic or theme, or sometimes because I just plain don't feel like it at the moment.

Writing is hard. Getting the motivation to write is harder, at least for me.

I'm particularly good at half-assing things. I multitask, which means that at any given time I have three different things going on in my brain, and while one is pushing to get done, the other are taking up valuable brain space and hindering me from getting anything done at all. It's like being pulled in multiple directions all the time.

It's nice when I can focus on doing one thing at a time. It's a rare but wonderful feeling, where I get the satisfaction of being productive while feeling personally fulfilled that I'm able to dedicate myself (with full attention) to one thing in particular.

Sometimes I feel that the only times I'm able to focus so single-mindedly on things is when I am busy. I think a lot of people feel the same way, because I've observed exceptionally busy people get five times as much done in a week as someone who has absolutely nothing to do. Being busy encourages you to get things done efficiently, no procrastinating or dilly-dallying allowed.

The only deadline that I am currently working under (other than the date I will be leaving Los Angeles) is when I go to bed. I've started telling myself that I absolutely cannot go to bed without writing a blog post (however short) and writing for at least 10 minutes, be it on paper, on my phone, or on my laptop. I'm a little over ten days in, and it's working exceptionally well. Now I just have to work on getting myself to full-assing the blog posts and fiction writing so that it's not at the back of my mind right up until all I want to do is fall asleep.

I'll get there.

Perfectionism

The other day I read a very excellent article on how to overcome perfectionism in your creative pursuits; the key is to learn to accept less than perfect results. Sounds pretty easy. I'll be focusing on writing simply because that is what I like and understand.

I'm a fan of the suggestions, that is, giving yourself a handicap (extreme time constraints, unusual criteria, or a more tangible handicap) when producing your work, which will help you to appreciate what you produce under these circumstances.

You want to hold yourself to much lower standards in order to push yourself to actually follow through with your creative endeavors.  It doesn't matter if it's bad, nobody (including yourself) is expecting perfection from you under these circumstances. - Mark Mahoney

This reminds me of National Novel Writing Month* (NaNo) which encourages the goal of producing a 50,000 word novel in only 30 days. I've participated for the past three years, mostly willingly, though it's slowly becoming more of a ritual. For most people, it's a large goal set within a small time constraint, and one of the most commonly heard suggestions to reach your goal is to write without editing, which is something that lots of people find very difficult.

It can be hard to see yourself as a writer of a specific caliber and then for 30 days produce work that feels so far below your usual standard that your first inclination upon finishing a sentence, a paragraph, or a chapter is to throw the whole thing away and never do it again.

It's the same as the feeling that I get when I try out a recipe I'm really excited about (like double chocolate m&m cookies) and enjoy everything about the process, then get to the very end, pull the cookies out and they're nothing like what I was expecting. They're misshapen and crumbly, not at all like the gooey, chewy, shiny cookies in the picture on the recipe. They don't even live up to the taste expectation, and I find that I can't eat more than half due to extreme disappointment. I end up leaving them in the kitchen for my roommates or taking them into work (if they're not embarrassingly bad).

Same with writing, but as there's less need to share, it's much easier to hide away writing that you hate and ensure it never sees the light of day. I have three half-written first-draft NaNovels on my hard drive, and only four people have seen them because I'm so embarrassed by the hastily constructed metaphors, overly flowery description (hey, I was trying to hit my daily word counts and needed to come up with something), meandering plots, and weak characters.

But...

But the goal of NaNo is to get you, as a writer, to finish your goddamned project. That's the first step. Finish a first draft, take a break, then rework your plot, rework your characters, rework your story, and write the second draft. Not everyone does things this way, but it allows you a second chance to tackle that imperfect draft you tossed aside at the end of November.

Maybe that's the way to quell that terrible perfectionism: constant improvement.

*National Novel Writing Month takes place in November, and more information can be found here. I highly recommend the challenge--you might go insane, but it's a ton of fun.

Routine

I've noticed in the past week that my body is starting to get onto a schedule. I have an alarm set every morning at 7:30 am, and while this has been a standing alarm for the past year or so, my body is finally starting to adapt to it. Rather than hitting snooze and rolling over, I've started feeling more awake when the alarm goes off, and the few times that I've rolled over and wanted to go back to bed, my body won't let me. This morning I woke up four minutes before the alarm was set to go off. This used to happen back when I was in high school and had a set wake-up time every day, but the weekends would always throw everything off.

My mind is developing an evening routine as well, partially due to the fact that I have a standing order to produce a blog post daily and wish to do so before I go to bed, and partially because I've (surprise surprise) been able to keep my promise to myself that I'd accept the challenge and do just that, no matter how stupid or incoherent the post.

What's really weird, is that feeling my body and mind fall into a routine is one of the most freeing feelings I've had in a long time. For the past three years of adulthood, I've blundered along, making lots of mistakes and just barely learning from them. One of those mistakes, I found, was allowing myself to do whatever I wanted whenever I wanted. If I told myself I wanted to get up early to make breakfast, the next morning I would have no qualms hitting snooze 47 times then rolling out of bed and rushing to get to work on time. If I told myself that I would definitely be finishing a particular project by Friday, I had no problem letting the deadline past and deciding that since it was already too late, I might as well do something else.

Lazy-me didn't hold myself accountable to not-lazy-me. It was frustrating, because as months passed, seasons passed, and holidays passed, I realized that the project I'd thought about 8 months ago could be nearly complete if I'd started immediately and held myself accountable to my vision. Instead, I wasted my time away. I wasted three years away.

I feel like I've been asleep, or at least in a fog. It sounds stupid, but things seem to be finally falling into place for me.

I should beat lazy-me with a crow-bar.

Things

I've come to the conclusion that I have too many things. It's disconcerting.

Daydreaming

Daydreaming has gotten me into trouble more than once. As a kid, a teacher tripped over me while carrying paint and blamed my inattentiveness and daydreaming for the accident. As an adult, I've lived with my fantasies but done very little to make them come true.

When I moved to Los Angeles I used to fantasize about what my life would be like living out here. I thought I'd love the city and I'd find a big fancy job where I would dress up every day and be surrounded by creative people who were pursuing their dreams. 

When I went off to school I used to dream about what life would be like in college. I'd work hard all day and party all night surrounded by the most intelligent people I'd ever met, make great friends, have fantastic romances, and discover myself.

When I was in grade school I used to imagine who I might be when I became a teenager. My goal was to be anyone other than who I currently was. Everyone seemed exotic and the possibilities were endless.

The possibilities are still endless, but it's becoming clearer to me that hard word is just as important as having the dream if I want to make it happen. I wanted to be a pianist--I needed to practice. I wanted to be likable--I needed to be a friend to others.  I wanted to be successful--I needed to work hard. I wanted to be a writer--I needed to write. 

I achieved some of these but not others. I have expectations for myself but the daydreaming (that I seem to do constantly) isn't useful in the least when it comes to doing those things that I need to do in order to achieve the success I crave.

It's sad really. I'll miss the daydreams about being a big-shot editor who drives a sports car and wears fancy outfits every day. I'll miss dreaming about how I'd furnish my mansion or designing my ideal library. This is not to say that I'll never do these things again. But never again can I allow these fantasies to take over the time I should be spending doing.

There's a book called The Reality Bug (within the Pendragon series by DJ MacHale) that depicts a place where a vivid virtual reality machine is developed and everyone can live within their own imagined reality where everything goes their way all the time and anything can happen. Of course, the problem was that no one saw the need to live in the real world with its ups and downs when they could jump into a fantasy world where everything is always up, never down. 

It's a dangerous thing, to become so infatuated with an imaginary reality and never to strive to change your true reality.

Family, Part 1

My 8-year-old cousin and I baked challah bread this afternoon. I taught her how to do a six-strand braid and she picked it up very easily. It was fun getting to describe how yeast works (I'm sure I messed up that explanation but it'll be years before she figures it out) and attempting to explain balance within an ecosystem and why manipulation (from man or otherwise) can throw things out of whack. She didn't get it.

I've spent the last seven years in Los Angeles living somewhat close to my aunt and her two kids, who are just getting to the really fun ages where we can have truly engaging conversations and play with chemicals together. Silence no longer means potential disaster (though it can) if I leave the room. It's going to be incredibly sad to leave these relationships where they are, and I'm depressed at the prospect of not getting a chance to play Santa or enjoy seeing the wonder on their faces when they discover something for the first time. Holidays are just so much fun with them.

My aunt reminds me of the time when she and her late-husband (boyfriend at the time) broke up for a two year period right when his niece and nephew were around 8 years old. When they got back together, the kids barely remembered her, though she'd known them since they were very young. It's heartbreaking for me to imagine my cousins not remembering who I am if I don't get out to visit them often enough while I'm living far away.

I have a hard drive full of pictures of my aunt and her kids. My goal in the next couple weeks is to go through all of them and give them to my aunt. Single moms don't often get pictures of themselves and their children and in the past couple years I've done what I can to take pictures for her to look back on.

I'll be emailing the kids weekly when I go.