Mini Freakout

It's almost Halloween and I can't wait for the candy. The big downside of not being able to trick or treat anymore (or steal from children's candy stashes) is that the variety of candy that I eat this holiday will be much lower than usual. A couple mini candy bars here and there, practically no weird candy that I pretend I don't like but eat anyway. I'm almost disappointed about it but I keep having to remind myself that I'll be able to bake anything I want, like pumpkin scones with maple glaze. Mmm guess I know what I'm doing this week!

I've been having a tiny meltdown that started this past weekend and peaked last night when I got home from the trip with my mom and asked my dad to push my resume at his company in the hopes that I might get a job there easily. I'm struggling in the same way that I was back in LA; I can't find an industry that suits me. My qualifications are few and I know I'm stuck in entry level positions for now, but even narrowing things down that much doesn't help me at all when it comes to choosing an industry to enter. I've worked in telecommunications and I think I have a good sense of what I don't want to do, which...also doesn't narrow things down much. Part of me wants to forego a career right now and work on learning programming languages and trying to succeed as a writer. A basic no-frills job with good benefits and little stress would be ideal for me to pull do for at least a couple months while I apply to a non-traditional programming course in NY, learn on my own, and write. I'd be able to save up and spend my mental energy outside of work rather than killing myself for a career I don't yet know I would want.

What's stressing me out the most (besides the fact that I do need a job and the income and stability it would provide) is completely conflicting advice that I get from the important people in my life. It's not particularly useful to be told over and over, "You could be doing something so much more with your life." Okay. Couldn't everyone? I feel like I know what I want but there's still that risk that I face, say, with writing. I could spend the next five decades trying to write and perfecting my craft, but never find success doing that. At what point do I either give up or relegate it to a hobby rather than a pursuit? At the same time, jobs come and go and I could build a career, giving everything (time, energy, more time) I have to that, then have it pulled out from underneath me.

There are no guarantees in life. So what do I do with it?

Come on, life, tell me what I should do.

Weekend Countdown: 3

Got to see a couple friends in Pasadena on Saturday night and may have hit my social stimulation quota for the weekend. I couldn't wait to spend all of Sunday holed up in my room packing things and watching TV. I even found some leftover yarn and started knitting a scarf. I forgot how much it hurts my left hand! Totally worth it though. I just wish I could wear wool.

Last week I spoke with a woman with a university counseling program (they offer cheap counseling sessions) and she informed me that due to the fact that I'm leaving relatively soon, they won't be able to fit me in for even a couple sessions. I figured it was no problem, and I'll just try to see someone when I get back to NC.

Today definitely threw me though. Maybe it's the first weekend-day I haven't had plans, and it really hit me how much my life is changing. I used to have plans every weekend--not always specific ones, but at least I knew who I would be around and had a general sense of what I'd spend my days doing. But now I feel like I'm back to what I used to do two years ago; that is, waste time and hide in my room all day. There's nothing really wrong with that, but it's not the life that I want to go back to. I like feeling productive, and I like knowing that I did something with my weekend (especially when work is busy). I did do some packing and managed to clear a few more items out of my room, which was good, but not nearly up to par with what I expect of myself on a lazy Sunday.

It's like I'm realizing what kind of person I am when I'm alone, how I work, and how I don't live up to my own expectations. It's a little disconcerting, but I have to remind myself that if I don't get a handle on things now, I could end up in my late twenties in a dead-end job just praying for the weekends when I can do whatever I want but usually end up doing nothing. I mean, that's kind of what I've spent my early twenties doing...

In more exciting news, I successfully removed my oversized chair from my room with minimal damage to the door frame and walls. Did end up busting a chair leg when I set it down in the living room, but I already knew it was broken and did my best to align it with the dowel, hammer it back in, and tighten the screws. That things going to suck to get rid of. Ugh.

I also macguyvered a bottle of Shout out from behind the washing machine using a piece of cardboard and an auxiliary cable. I feel so proud.

A New Chapter Begins

My life is changing and I couldn't be more excited. In early October I'll be moving out of Los Angeles and back home to North Carolina. I could technically call this running away since I have nothing lined up and no concrete plans once I get out there, but it doesn't bother me at all.

I've realized in the past few days that there's nothing I fear most than complacency, which is exactly where I've been. Lost after graduating, I took a job that I needed but didn't particularly want and for three years I watched myself grow older while my dreams grew farther and farther away. Eventually I began to crave change but by that point change seemed so difficult, so complicated, and the easy thing to do would have been to plug away, searching for the fleeting happiness that a good weekend or a fun trip would bring while tolerating the drudgery that the week would bring.

What I fear most is living in continual anticipation of the weekend and dread of the workweek. There's more to life than that and it's what I need to find right now.

In less than a month I'll be on the road headed to a place without a plan. Maybe I'll find something soon and settle in North Carolina, or maybe I'll itch to leave again and continue to pursue something I can't quite place. In either case, I intend to enjoy the journey.

Decision

I have made a decision to no longer be vague about things....because I have made a decision about my life.

I've been feeling an incredible amount of relief about things lately. In a day or two I'll sit down and detail all of it.

Thoughts on Crisis

I've spent the evening doing meaningless internet research on quarter-life crises and the people who have them. Hands-down my favorite article was written by a twenty-something who felt that only entitled and privileged young people were stupid enough to call their struggle with life, with growing up a proper crisis. It's true, growing up is difficult and what I (and others) would consider to be a personal life crisis is only difficulty accepting and making important life decisions. However, I see no harm in using dramatic language to legitimize the feelings. There's nothing worse that feeling as though your feelings are minimized because you should "suck it up" because "everyone feels the same way".

While everyone experiences difficulty in life, particularly when making and accepting important life decisions. I think it's important to remember that there is no set path to follow. There's no one solution to a problem--everyone needs to find their own and make sure that they're making decisions that are right for them. It's okay to make mistakes, and I for one would rather make them and learn from them sooner rather than later.

Storms

It's trying to be autumn in Southern California. For the first time in a couple weeks I was able to venture outside comfortably in a sweater and hear the sound of feet crunching dry leaves in the gutter. I like the change, but it's miniscule.

I remember driving up to Ohio one September about ten years ago to see the burial of my great-aunt in her childhood home. The trip was largely uneventful, a good opportunity to say my last goodbyes to an aunt I barely knew, and to get away for a bit with my mother. We drove through the Appalachian Mountains, and while I remember very little of the actual drive up, I remember the colors. The autumn leaves in western North Carolina and Virginia were the most beautiful I've ever seen in my life. At one point we drove up a mountain out in the boonies, going around and around the tight curves until we got to the top, where we were greeted with the most beautiful sight--a sea of treetops, and a variety of color that I've not seen since.

It was glorious and I miss it so much. Southern California has its perks, but I prefer the forest to the beach, and while it's nice to see mountains in the distance, it's also nice to drive through country roads and see the trees go from lush and green to orange, yellow, and brown, then bare sticks waving in the wind.

I think it's time to leave.

The Hero's Journey

I've been having the hardest time coming to grips with my adulthood. I've more than a little trepidation about my future, and I can't tell if it's regular anxiety or equally regular panic. Nearly three years in a dead-end job, seven years in a no-longer inspiring locale, and a perpetual fear that I'm fooling everyone but myself--I think it's time that I begin anew.

And thus I shall embark on a personal journey to quote-unquote find myself, or at least find what it is inside me that I most want to come out. Maybe I'll find happiness, maybe I'll find contentment, but if I can at least find inspiration, well then...

That's what it's all about.