Daydreaming

Daydreaming has gotten me into trouble more than once. As a kid, a teacher tripped over me while carrying paint and blamed my inattentiveness and daydreaming for the accident. As an adult, I've lived with my fantasies but done very little to make them come true.

When I moved to Los Angeles I used to fantasize about what my life would be like living out here. I thought I'd love the city and I'd find a big fancy job where I would dress up every day and be surrounded by creative people who were pursuing their dreams. 

When I went off to school I used to dream about what life would be like in college. I'd work hard all day and party all night surrounded by the most intelligent people I'd ever met, make great friends, have fantastic romances, and discover myself.

When I was in grade school I used to imagine who I might be when I became a teenager. My goal was to be anyone other than who I currently was. Everyone seemed exotic and the possibilities were endless.

The possibilities are still endless, but it's becoming clearer to me that hard word is just as important as having the dream if I want to make it happen. I wanted to be a pianist--I needed to practice. I wanted to be likable--I needed to be a friend to others.  I wanted to be successful--I needed to work hard. I wanted to be a writer--I needed to write. 

I achieved some of these but not others. I have expectations for myself but the daydreaming (that I seem to do constantly) isn't useful in the least when it comes to doing those things that I need to do in order to achieve the success I crave.

It's sad really. I'll miss the daydreams about being a big-shot editor who drives a sports car and wears fancy outfits every day. I'll miss dreaming about how I'd furnish my mansion or designing my ideal library. This is not to say that I'll never do these things again. But never again can I allow these fantasies to take over the time I should be spending doing.

There's a book called The Reality Bug (within the Pendragon series by DJ MacHale) that depicts a place where a vivid virtual reality machine is developed and everyone can live within their own imagined reality where everything goes their way all the time and anything can happen. Of course, the problem was that no one saw the need to live in the real world with its ups and downs when they could jump into a fantasy world where everything is always up, never down. 

It's a dangerous thing, to become so infatuated with an imaginary reality and never to strive to change your true reality.

Family, Part 1

My 8-year-old cousin and I baked challah bread this afternoon. I taught her how to do a six-strand braid and she picked it up very easily. It was fun getting to describe how yeast works (I'm sure I messed up that explanation but it'll be years before she figures it out) and attempting to explain balance within an ecosystem and why manipulation (from man or otherwise) can throw things out of whack. She didn't get it.

I've spent the last seven years in Los Angeles living somewhat close to my aunt and her two kids, who are just getting to the really fun ages where we can have truly engaging conversations and play with chemicals together. Silence no longer means potential disaster (though it can) if I leave the room. It's going to be incredibly sad to leave these relationships where they are, and I'm depressed at the prospect of not getting a chance to play Santa or enjoy seeing the wonder on their faces when they discover something for the first time. Holidays are just so much fun with them.

My aunt reminds me of the time when she and her late-husband (boyfriend at the time) broke up for a two year period right when his niece and nephew were around 8 years old. When they got back together, the kids barely remembered her, though she'd known them since they were very young. It's heartbreaking for me to imagine my cousins not remembering who I am if I don't get out to visit them often enough while I'm living far away.

I have a hard drive full of pictures of my aunt and her kids. My goal in the next couple weeks is to go through all of them and give them to my aunt. Single moms don't often get pictures of themselves and their children and in the past couple years I've done what I can to take pictures for her to look back on.

I'll be emailing the kids weekly when I go.

Storms

It's trying to be autumn in Southern California. For the first time in a couple weeks I was able to venture outside comfortably in a sweater and hear the sound of feet crunching dry leaves in the gutter. I like the change, but it's miniscule.

I remember driving up to Ohio one September about ten years ago to see the burial of my great-aunt in her childhood home. The trip was largely uneventful, a good opportunity to say my last goodbyes to an aunt I barely knew, and to get away for a bit with my mother. We drove through the Appalachian Mountains, and while I remember very little of the actual drive up, I remember the colors. The autumn leaves in western North Carolina and Virginia were the most beautiful I've ever seen in my life. At one point we drove up a mountain out in the boonies, going around and around the tight curves until we got to the top, where we were greeted with the most beautiful sight--a sea of treetops, and a variety of color that I've not seen since.

It was glorious and I miss it so much. Southern California has its perks, but I prefer the forest to the beach, and while it's nice to see mountains in the distance, it's also nice to drive through country roads and see the trees go from lush and green to orange, yellow, and brown, then bare sticks waving in the wind.

I think it's time to leave.

Re-reading can be bliss

I just reread the Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix in what amounts to a single sitting. It was nice getting the alone time, allowing myself to become immersed in a book and a world that I love. It was comforting and calming in a way that I was desperately craving.