Mess

I am the messiest person alive. I need to try this cleaning tip a good friend gave me about setting a timer and cleaning for 10 minutes then stopping so as not to overwhelm myself with what I need to do. Unpacking is almost more work than packing! Geez.

Family, Part 4

I just had a conversation with a friend about how completely crazy my family can be. There are lots of things that frustrate me about my family, and living closer/with my parents really does open the door for lots of crazy to happen. Holidays have always been complicated and I worry that I'll be more stressed out being closer to my parents and their multitude of issues. It's always complex to be wrapped up in someone else's life, which was why it felt nice being in California where I could be wrapped up in my own life. But is that what happiness is?

My friend is wonderfully blunt, which can be really helpful at times. She asked me why the hell I moved out here if I don't know if I can live near my parents. Fair question. What did I expect? It's not like these things were new to me, I'd just been removed from them for several years. And what kind of daughter would I be if I weren't willing to help my parents out with their issues (we've got a inevitable foreclosure pending here)? Sure, I didn't ask to be born and I'm not really obligated to do anything to help them out...except aren't I?

I've been struggling with the constant fear that I'm not doing what I want to do in life: don't know where I want to live, what I want to do, who I want to be. But one of the most important things in life is to help others. I do want to help others, so why not my own family? It doesn't have to kill me with stress and anxiety if I don't let it.

Pain

I've been trying to take it easy but apparently not easy enough. Shooting pain in both my knees is fairly uncommon for me, even in the past month when I feel frequent full aches, but now I've had two days of pretty bad pain in the evenings. Am I just getting old?

Last Day

This is completely crazy. My last full day in Southern California is almost over. I'm sitting on the chair I just sold to my roommate and listening to my dad snoring upstairs. I just opened a card from my aunt that made me cry and earlier I said goodbye to my aunt and cousins. It's been a whirlwind of a day and I can't believe the time to leave is finally here.

I've taken so much for granted in the past three years and I feel like I'm leaving such good friends behind just to begin again. I'm torn about whether i should really feel happy about the change I'm about to make or sad about the realization that home truly is where family and friends are. This is not to say that I have no family and friends in NC, but to point out that I had an established life out here and it's finally hitting me that I'm totally and completely uprooting. It's actually terrifying.

On a weirder note, I accidentally packed all my socks somewhere I can't access them. Dammit.

Wait!!

I'm totally not ready!

Family, Part 1

My 8-year-old cousin and I baked challah bread this afternoon. I taught her how to do a six-strand braid and she picked it up very easily. It was fun getting to describe how yeast works (I'm sure I messed up that explanation but it'll be years before she figures it out) and attempting to explain balance within an ecosystem and why manipulation (from man or otherwise) can throw things out of whack. She didn't get it.

I've spent the last seven years in Los Angeles living somewhat close to my aunt and her two kids, who are just getting to the really fun ages where we can have truly engaging conversations and play with chemicals together. Silence no longer means potential disaster (though it can) if I leave the room. It's going to be incredibly sad to leave these relationships where they are, and I'm depressed at the prospect of not getting a chance to play Santa or enjoy seeing the wonder on their faces when they discover something for the first time. Holidays are just so much fun with them.

My aunt reminds me of the time when she and her late-husband (boyfriend at the time) broke up for a two year period right when his niece and nephew were around 8 years old. When they got back together, the kids barely remembered her, though she'd known them since they were very young. It's heartbreaking for me to imagine my cousins not remembering who I am if I don't get out to visit them often enough while I'm living far away.

I have a hard drive full of pictures of my aunt and her kids. My goal in the next couple weeks is to go through all of them and give them to my aunt. Single moms don't often get pictures of themselves and their children and in the past couple years I've done what I can to take pictures for her to look back on.

I'll be emailing the kids weekly when I go.

Sober

I haven't tasted alcohol in over a week, and I'm not sure when I'll be interested in drinking again.

I recently went through a breakup and I'm trying to mark the difference between in and out. We've not spoken since, not truly, and while the initial change was difficult, a week later I feel mainly an overwhelming sense of relief peppered with the occasional tear and nostalgia for days past. But forging forward is less difficult than I thought it would be. It is the closing of a chapter and the beginning of a new one. While I haven't always welcomed change, I am not one to assume the worst. Optimism can be a hard trait to learn, but I much prefer it over the simpler pessimism and cynicism I used to favor.

The Negative Side of Negativity

Everyone complains.

I caught myself complaining about difficulty I was having with a project at work by saying that the day was terrible and the project was terrible and everything was going wrong. After I'd made my case, I realized that it wasn't just the frustration talking. Actually, I quite enjoy a challenge, and I'd only become upset with my inability to solve the problem quickly. I wasn't having a bad day, but I was in the habit of having bad days, and framed my current complaint in that same language. All in all, I'd actually had quite a good day, all things considered, but I wasn't used to looking on thinking of my day that way.

I'd fallen into the habit of complaining.

But I'm not that far gone. My preferred adjective of choice is awesome, and I'm a big fan of happy emoticons, particularly ones that seem to confuse other people :_D <@:_D

I have a couple friends who have fallen into the habit of complaining to such an extreme that I cannot remember the last time that I heard a positive (non-sarcastic) word from them.

Blind optimism can be as annoying as perpetual pessimism, but it's striking how much your approach to life can influence your mood and the way you relate to others.

Probably the saddest story that I know is the way my Grandmother cannot go five minutes without criticizing or complaining about someone or something. I can't count the number of times that I've gone to a restaurant with her only for her to ask to be moved because the vent is blowing on her (this happens every time without fail), or hear how the hostess sat us too close to the kitchen, etc. I once watched her loudly berate her 92 year old husband for improperly recalling his own age.

I complain a good deal. But I recognize the pessimism within myself, and I strive to overcome it. The positives in life are everywhere, and I never want to be too blind to see them.