Family, Part 4

I just had a conversation with a friend about how completely crazy my family can be. There are lots of things that frustrate me about my family, and living closer/with my parents really does open the door for lots of crazy to happen. Holidays have always been complicated and I worry that I'll be more stressed out being closer to my parents and their multitude of issues. It's always complex to be wrapped up in someone else's life, which was why it felt nice being in California where I could be wrapped up in my own life. But is that what happiness is?

My friend is wonderfully blunt, which can be really helpful at times. She asked me why the hell I moved out here if I don't know if I can live near my parents. Fair question. What did I expect? It's not like these things were new to me, I'd just been removed from them for several years. And what kind of daughter would I be if I weren't willing to help my parents out with their issues (we've got a inevitable foreclosure pending here)? Sure, I didn't ask to be born and I'm not really obligated to do anything to help them out...except aren't I?

I've been struggling with the constant fear that I'm not doing what I want to do in life: don't know where I want to live, what I want to do, who I want to be. But one of the most important things in life is to help others. I do want to help others, so why not my own family? It doesn't have to kill me with stress and anxiety if I don't let it.

Last Day

This is completely crazy. My last full day in Southern California is almost over. I'm sitting on the chair I just sold to my roommate and listening to my dad snoring upstairs. I just opened a card from my aunt that made me cry and earlier I said goodbye to my aunt and cousins. It's been a whirlwind of a day and I can't believe the time to leave is finally here.

I've taken so much for granted in the past three years and I feel like I'm leaving such good friends behind just to begin again. I'm torn about whether i should really feel happy about the change I'm about to make or sad about the realization that home truly is where family and friends are. This is not to say that I have no family and friends in NC, but to point out that I had an established life out here and it's finally hitting me that I'm totally and completely uprooting. It's actually terrifying.

On a weirder note, I accidentally packed all my socks somewhere I can't access them. Dammit.

Mixed Feelings

I feel very good about what I am about to do. But I am incredibly sad that I will no longer live near my aunt.

Daydreaming

Daydreaming has gotten me into trouble more than once. As a kid, a teacher tripped over me while carrying paint and blamed my inattentiveness and daydreaming for the accident. As an adult, I've lived with my fantasies but done very little to make them come true.

When I moved to Los Angeles I used to fantasize about what my life would be like living out here. I thought I'd love the city and I'd find a big fancy job where I would dress up every day and be surrounded by creative people who were pursuing their dreams. 

When I went off to school I used to dream about what life would be like in college. I'd work hard all day and party all night surrounded by the most intelligent people I'd ever met, make great friends, have fantastic romances, and discover myself.

When I was in grade school I used to imagine who I might be when I became a teenager. My goal was to be anyone other than who I currently was. Everyone seemed exotic and the possibilities were endless.

The possibilities are still endless, but it's becoming clearer to me that hard word is just as important as having the dream if I want to make it happen. I wanted to be a pianist--I needed to practice. I wanted to be likable--I needed to be a friend to others.  I wanted to be successful--I needed to work hard. I wanted to be a writer--I needed to write. 

I achieved some of these but not others. I have expectations for myself but the daydreaming (that I seem to do constantly) isn't useful in the least when it comes to doing those things that I need to do in order to achieve the success I crave.

It's sad really. I'll miss the daydreams about being a big-shot editor who drives a sports car and wears fancy outfits every day. I'll miss dreaming about how I'd furnish my mansion or designing my ideal library. This is not to say that I'll never do these things again. But never again can I allow these fantasies to take over the time I should be spending doing.

There's a book called The Reality Bug (within the Pendragon series by DJ MacHale) that depicts a place where a vivid virtual reality machine is developed and everyone can live within their own imagined reality where everything goes their way all the time and anything can happen. Of course, the problem was that no one saw the need to live in the real world with its ups and downs when they could jump into a fantasy world where everything is always up, never down. 

It's a dangerous thing, to become so infatuated with an imaginary reality and never to strive to change your true reality.

Family, Part 1

My 8-year-old cousin and I baked challah bread this afternoon. I taught her how to do a six-strand braid and she picked it up very easily. It was fun getting to describe how yeast works (I'm sure I messed up that explanation but it'll be years before she figures it out) and attempting to explain balance within an ecosystem and why manipulation (from man or otherwise) can throw things out of whack. She didn't get it.

I've spent the last seven years in Los Angeles living somewhat close to my aunt and her two kids, who are just getting to the really fun ages where we can have truly engaging conversations and play with chemicals together. Silence no longer means potential disaster (though it can) if I leave the room. It's going to be incredibly sad to leave these relationships where they are, and I'm depressed at the prospect of not getting a chance to play Santa or enjoy seeing the wonder on their faces when they discover something for the first time. Holidays are just so much fun with them.

My aunt reminds me of the time when she and her late-husband (boyfriend at the time) broke up for a two year period right when his niece and nephew were around 8 years old. When they got back together, the kids barely remembered her, though she'd known them since they were very young. It's heartbreaking for me to imagine my cousins not remembering who I am if I don't get out to visit them often enough while I'm living far away.

I have a hard drive full of pictures of my aunt and her kids. My goal in the next couple weeks is to go through all of them and give them to my aunt. Single moms don't often get pictures of themselves and their children and in the past couple years I've done what I can to take pictures for her to look back on.

I'll be emailing the kids weekly when I go.

Sober

I haven't tasted alcohol in over a week, and I'm not sure when I'll be interested in drinking again.

I recently went through a breakup and I'm trying to mark the difference between in and out. We've not spoken since, not truly, and while the initial change was difficult, a week later I feel mainly an overwhelming sense of relief peppered with the occasional tear and nostalgia for days past. But forging forward is less difficult than I thought it would be. It is the closing of a chapter and the beginning of a new one. While I haven't always welcomed change, I am not one to assume the worst. Optimism can be a hard trait to learn, but I much prefer it over the simpler pessimism and cynicism I used to favor.

Decision

I have made a decision to no longer be vague about things....because I have made a decision about my life.

I've been feeling an incredible amount of relief about things lately. In a day or two I'll sit down and detail all of it.

Thoughts on Crisis

I've spent the evening doing meaningless internet research on quarter-life crises and the people who have them. Hands-down my favorite article was written by a twenty-something who felt that only entitled and privileged young people were stupid enough to call their struggle with life, with growing up a proper crisis. It's true, growing up is difficult and what I (and others) would consider to be a personal life crisis is only difficulty accepting and making important life decisions. However, I see no harm in using dramatic language to legitimize the feelings. There's nothing worse that feeling as though your feelings are minimized because you should "suck it up" because "everyone feels the same way".

While everyone experiences difficulty in life, particularly when making and accepting important life decisions. I think it's important to remember that there is no set path to follow. There's no one solution to a problem--everyone needs to find their own and make sure that they're making decisions that are right for them. It's okay to make mistakes, and I for one would rather make them and learn from them sooner rather than later.