Energy needs to be focused to be properly utilized. Without a conduit and a direction, it is liable to leak everywhere and eventually disappear. This is why some people who excel in school find themselves completely lost once they graduate, if their next step is not clear.
Sometimes I feel that same mania coursing through my mind. It's largely a product of anxiety mixed with optimism. I could go to Switzerland, or maybe British Columbia might be nice; I should clean the entire house and hang the curtains that've sat in the corner for months; I want to bake all the things; it'd be nice to be a concert pianist, maybe I should do that: the world is out there ready for me to take what I can and be all that I can and what do you mean I have to calm down and go to work tomorrow in order to pay my bills?
It's manic energy and sometimes I suspect that it's the opposite of motivation. Motivation is more stable, it's more focused, and it's more effective. That mania isn't even motivation to the extreme--it seems to be a mental reaction that I have to freedom.
Being caged sucks. It's very restricting to have barriers and limits, to want and need to push against them with all your might in order to feel some semblance of freedom. But think back to the pet rats. Their cage is a safe place that they crave, especially when they feel overstimulated and just want to go home. If we take them from their cage and place them onto the floor of a wide-open living room, the opportunities are endless. Yes, they still have limits, as they can't very well fly around the room, a piece of cardboard or solid furniture stops them, and sudden movements are terrifying, but the choices are endless. Should I go this way or that? Do I want to hide under the couch or sit out in the open? Do I want to be in this box or in that box? I want my cage back!
There's a phenomenon called the Paradox of Choice (which itself is being disputed by scientists about whether or not it exists, but plenty of anecdotes certainly support the theory), that asserts that if there are too many options, it becomes increasingly difficult to choose among them. I experienced this earlier today in the deodorant aisle of the store: Dove, Mitchum, Secret, Toms, unscented, blueberry blackberry, fresh, revive, etc, etc, etc. It was, quite frankly, overwhelming, and I got the same kind I just ran out of, despite the fact that it wasn't my favorite. The choices were simply too much--it was easier to stick with what I know.
In my mania, I recognize this same paradox. If I'm free, I can go anywhere and do anything, tethered only by my financial and intellectual limitations (not to mention workplace skills). If I'm caged, say, in Los Angeles, or in a specific industry, my options are more limited, but I am able to focus so much more clearly. This is not to say that the end-result or goal is necessarily more or less appealing than what it would be were I to be fully free, but, that focus is there. The energy is focused, and I am not as manic.
This focus is important and I am currently searching for it. I need to escape my mania.
No comments:
Post a Comment